First of all, the reason why i'm writing this here is both in hope that it will and yet will not be read. I can't post it on my other blog because its too public and it contradicts my supposed state of contentedness and joy.
A few days before school started i had it in mind to write an email to an... acquaintance of mine. Because i came to realise a few things. Because some loose screwed finally clicked themselves into position. Because i've finally grown up ><
For the past two years, i've been in a hate-love relationship. I realised there was more hate than love, because i begrudged him so many things. I blamed anything that went wrong on him, and yet out of selfishness did things that make me so ashamed that my gut won't stop constricting even right now.
I hate myself for that role in the relationship. And i still can't phathom exactly what made me behave like that. But what you throw comes right back at you.
It began with curiousity. I wondered what you saw in me. I was astonished that you liked me, flattered, pleased, thrilled even... by all the compliments you paid me. So i began to play around... experiment... flirt... coquet, and yet at the same time deny it all because i explained it all as subconscious. They were subconsious, but that doesn't in any way excuse me from the consequences of my actions.
If i think the things i did now, the amount of shame that washes over me would drown even a capable sailor. I can't believe how stupid and naive i was to do what i did. I can't believe i was foolish enough to think that it was all acceptable. But it wasn't. You opened the door, but it was me who marched right through it and brought you all along with me. The reason why i wanted to write you that email was because I wanted to apologise. For being such a fool and dragging you into it all.
And then it began to change. The initial part of the relationship had a lot of love. A lot of pleasure and laughter. Tainted, but joy nonetheless. I will admit it here, but never again, that i did like you. As a guy. But only because you liked me. If i remember right, i liked you because i felt like you were a very nice person. You were funny, you made me happy, and i thought i would be safe and happy with you. Thats why i said, maybe year 11. Maybe.
I remember specifically over the holidays, i was having a conversation on msn with you and all of a sudden you got really depressed about something and you wouldn't speak properly to me. It made me reflect on all that had happened so far. And i realised that among the joy we had, there were a lot of arguements. A lot of misunderstandings and a lot of times where you made me upset or where i'd upset you. and then i started to think more. It didn't make me hate you outright, but sown seeds are very hard to retract. what i did hate though, was how i constantly had to seek to make things up to you, even when i wasn't really at fault. The amount of mood swings and worries you gave me made me realise that maybe liking you wasn't a really smart thing. (At that time i didn't like you anymore though, that was only for about a day before i came to my senses that liking because someone likes you is stupid.).
Then year 11. The first thing that irked me was in physics class i think where you were sitting extremely close to me and i felt so so so uncomfortable. I tried moving, but still you came closer. And it annoyed me. That was the first time i wanted to get away from you.
And then you got jealous and said that i was flirt, saying things that implied my sluttiness, pairing me up with people when to me our relationship was a sacred friendship. I know you didn't mean them, but it angered me. Accusations never sit well with me. They make me blow up and i cultivate rage like a padi field. Empty one day then brimful the next, and growing... always growing.
During these times i kept trying to get away from you. Trying to stop you liking me so that the things i didnt like would stop. So that you could be a friend for me.
I think reading your blog probably made me the angriest. But i asked for it, i know. I kept bugging you for the url. The things you said contradicted so much with how you acted. The depression on your part frustrated me and i didn't dare address the problem for fear of making it worse. I tried to ignore you. When that didn't work, i tried being rude to you. And when that didn't work i gave up and worked on just being civil and also maintaining my farce of being normal when really i was very very mad. I got mad when you tried to follow me, i got mad when you made it obvious to the world that you liked me, i got mad when you were jealous, i got mad when you texted me things i no longer wanted to hear, i got mad when you wouldn't give up. I got mad when you said perverted things about me. And i got extremely mad when you said things about me and kyu sun and made us seem like the worst thing ever when really, it probably was one of the better things in my life.
So i went back trying to trace the problem. What went wrong. Why, why, why. And all this is what i came up with. The root of it all was you liking me, but my sin was that i encouraged the root to grow. That i manipulated you and seriously seduced you. And then palm-faced you and left you hanging, although i tried to push you off completely.
I should never have asked you to call me.
so yes. i would like to apologise and ask for your forgiveness. Because it is the right thing to do. Writing all these shameful things really really make me... ashamed and uneasy >< , but i have to confess. I have to tell you that i'm sorry for what i've done.
I hate myself for seducing you. For trying to keep you liking me because i liked the attention. For giving the wrong signals. How stupid and selfish can a person get >< well now i know.
Right now, i don't hope that we can be friends again, that'd be asking too much. I've made up my mind to leave you alone, and just stay away from you for both our benefits. Its a new year, so may you have a happy beginning. i hope that you will become a sane and contented person again. That your world will be tilted the right way. That you will grow to become a great person now that your ties have been cleanly severed with me.
I'm really really sorry. I always insisted the problem lay with you, but all along it lay with me.
And although i've written so much, it still feels so little. Like its inadequete to convey everything my heart wants to say.
This is what i've been reflecting about since the new year.
I'm really sorry. Onefold, twicefold, thricefold... a hundredfold.